I'm having a hard time yet again with things going on around me that even trying to find humor in it doesn't help it just makes me angry and I ask myself all the time, "Am I being unreasonable?"
You see when you have the mental illness DNA and you've had your traumatic experiences your feelings to subject matter increases. It doesn't matter if it's anger or happiness; every level increases. When it keeps happening and happening the build of emotion becomes almost explosive and has shown itself in others to be explosive.
I can see how easily I could take action if I couldn't contain myself as I watch movie like images in my head. I can stare out the window and not be looking at it, I'm watching a movie in my head. It could be a real movie that I own or it could be a movie of the deepest desire good or bad. I am contained, bursting at the seams, screaming inside saying, "WHY CAN'T HE SEE WHAT IS GOING ON???"
The backlog story is that my hubbys' dad passed away in 2009 and he did everything for hubby's mom; he cooked, he cleaned, he went to the post office, he went shopping, he drove the car, he well you get the picture. Hubbys' mom has arthritis, overweight, hypogycelmic, PSTD, and I know she has Dementia. When his dad passed on I expressed that she should have someone there but oh no I was a moo moo cow. I've expressed so much that I'm a flat out bitch with no soul, no compassion, blah blah blah. or so I'm being told.
Hubby was her beckon call boy. Later that year his mother rolled her ankle at the grocery store and they put her in a non walking cast. Yes a non walking cast onto an individual that resides 24 hours a day at home and has no friends due to her sour disposition. (hubby gets his attitude problem from her). I had to pick her up from the hospital where the nurse told me that his mother didn't eat all day yet when I asked her about it she said she did eat something. You should have seen the look on her face when I said we'd have to get her a home support worker. Oh my goodness how dare I say such words because her son is going to look after her when he works 5/6 days a week. And he did every 2 days he was up there while I was stranded at home without any vehicle to drive. This occured for 6 months until I had to take a vacation which ended up getting me stranded but everyday i was gone hubby was up at her house looking after her.
I'm not resentful but it's like give the guy a flipping break. get yourself some help. He has a job and a girlfriend that he is trying to maintain a relationship with. I don't ask him to do things because he works so much.
As of late hubby doesn't do anything I ask which pisses me off beyond although I think all women would be if their spouses didn't do as they were asked. He has taken his mothers car off the road "to save her money" while he wants to drive about a 60km round trip to her house and town and back to her house then back to his residence in MY JEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So here I am going to be stranded yet again! I'm the bitch, the one without a soul or compassion. You remembered that when you have my feelings right? Are you unreasonable in your feelings? It's a major battle of no and yes at the same time.
We had a huge fight about the jeep and how he said that it's easier for her to get out of the jeep instead of his truck and I said it was easier for her to get out of her car. I now have the jeep in the yard as he as we speak is up at his mommy's house being her beckon call boy.
In December she bought him a cellphone because she called the house one day as he was not home yet I answered the phone where I found out he took my jeep, drove up to her place, drove down town and did what ever the blue blazes she wanted or needed to do. Her phone call was that she thinks she dropped her necklace in the jeep when he took her down town hee hee. She laughed just like that! It's like what the fluffin flee hee haa is that supposed to mean? He's your son for crying out loud? what are you insinuating? am i supposed to look in the back seat like your dementiated brain seems to be infering that you've slept with him? i mean seriously if you watch any movie that contains adultery there's the sign of a piece of jewellery left behind indicating unfaithfulness. for crying out loud am I being unreasonable?????
Yesterday she snuck a call in that she needed some meat from town and he was supposed to bring it to her. what the giggley popldideechoopee?????? She can't walk to the store that less than 500 meters from her residence and she wants him to drive a 60km round trip to bring her some meat although I know that her freezer is full to the top because she's a hoarder that grew up in Europe stealing potatoes from the farmers during the Nazi war. I've been to her place and seen her disgusting selfishness all over the place. 50 pairs of dress shoes still in the box only tried on at the store. I counted every one of those suckers. UNBELIEVABLE. yet the children barely had food on the table.
So am I being unreasonable? I still don't know but deep down I know it's the build up emotions from a bunch of experiences with her that I have left out because well I just want to make the point that if I didn't contain myself the video that plays in my brain is me shoving my thumb in her eye with fierce intensity and I black out, the video stops and it plays me strangling her around her throat, and I black out, it plays again, me grabbing her by the scruff of her neck and tossing her ass outside for the world to see as she cringes from natural sunlight. Maybe I should write a horror novel?? You know just to get the feelings out instead of taking action.
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