Today has been a good day. A remarkable day actually if you knew that I have a fear of the word free because nothing ever is. But today I created my first website/blog. I had another site but I couldn't upload any of the work I've done over the past 5 years.
It makes my day that I have overcome several things today and being able to create a beautiful website with tons of pictures of my creations.
I started an evoltionary series that I will continue on my new site and keep this one as my environmental conditions. I'll be retyping that up and soon there'll be new ones for everyone to read.
One could say the first site was my learning site and now I know how to create properly for the new one.
Sunday, 14 October 2012
Friday, 5 October 2012
November 23, 2003
I don't like talking about the depressing things in my life and I don't like talking about how I didn't want to live anymore and how I tried to take my life to end it, to be done with this existence but here I am. I am alive going up and down in emotions everyday as I continue on existing, trying, and fighting the emotional roller coaster of emotions that terrorize my every moment.
It'll be 9 years. I just realized it today and the flood of depression overcomes me, the unwanted tears escaping from the tear ducts streaming down my face. I try so hard and maybe not as hard as some think I should be. I did try to hang myself, it didn't work. Maybe I should've tried harder, I should've let myself go except I heard screaming and I fell to the floor. Before I tried to hang myself I tried to slice my wrists but I guess I didn't try hard enough to succeed.
I sink so low when I want, I try and here I am in this dark depressive moment in my nightmarish emotions. I recently emailed The Province about my I Am Normal... If You're Bipolar and they haven't emailed me back and I sink lower into that pit of hellish thoughts. I contacted Canada AM and again no response not even a thank you for letting us know. I dive deeper, the tears fast and furious and all I want to do is no longer be here. Unfortunately I can't bring myself to death instead here I am everyday struggling.
Maybe you can't believe me or won't believe but there are so many times in my life when I wish I was dead then I wouldn't have to do this anymore because if I could be rid of this hellish bipolar disordered life I would. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I want, I will always be this loser trying to get noticed to help change this world.
I don't know how everyone else with my affliction deals in life but here I am sinking like the Titanic as I try to make it through another day without the terrorizing thoughts that I will always be a loser and that no one cares, no one will give me the time of day when I contact every place that I printed off. Deep down I know they won't pay attention so why do I try? I want the world to be a better place even if my personal hell isn't.
It'll be 9 years. I just realized it today and the flood of depression overcomes me, the unwanted tears escaping from the tear ducts streaming down my face. I try so hard and maybe not as hard as some think I should be. I did try to hang myself, it didn't work. Maybe I should've tried harder, I should've let myself go except I heard screaming and I fell to the floor. Before I tried to hang myself I tried to slice my wrists but I guess I didn't try hard enough to succeed.
I sink so low when I want, I try and here I am in this dark depressive moment in my nightmarish emotions. I recently emailed The Province about my I Am Normal... If You're Bipolar and they haven't emailed me back and I sink lower into that pit of hellish thoughts. I contacted Canada AM and again no response not even a thank you for letting us know. I dive deeper, the tears fast and furious and all I want to do is no longer be here. Unfortunately I can't bring myself to death instead here I am everyday struggling.
Maybe you can't believe me or won't believe but there are so many times in my life when I wish I was dead then I wouldn't have to do this anymore because if I could be rid of this hellish bipolar disordered life I would. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I want, I will always be this loser trying to get noticed to help change this world.
I don't know how everyone else with my affliction deals in life but here I am sinking like the Titanic as I try to make it through another day without the terrorizing thoughts that I will always be a loser and that no one cares, no one will give me the time of day when I contact every place that I printed off. Deep down I know they won't pay attention so why do I try? I want the world to be a better place even if my personal hell isn't.
Wednesday, 3 October 2012
My Cup Is Getting Full
There are times when I get frustrated and today is one of those days when I want to do something but it feels like I can't. I want you to note the word feels because it doesn't mean the same thing as the plain I can't.
It is in my nature to make sure my spouse isn't ignored and well looked after. This is one of the most difficult challenges a woman faces today if I may be so bold as to state the complexities of a woman in the workforce and being in a relationship with or without children. We want to do something yet it feels like there's a ton of bricks preventing us from taking action.
I admittedly have another problem which is connected to professionalism and the phone line. If you read my book then you'll know it's because it is difficult for me to place calls.
I also have the fear of not being given the time of day by media programs. I will let you in on that secret. Back in 2006 I took a telephone seminar about how to get on TV and basically put it's all about your topics. I write about Bipolar Disorder and I have written a series unlike any facebook page that I've seen about kids who go hunting, fishing. I was unmedicated, a very typically behavioured bipolar disordered person and I emailed the TV talk shows back then 3 times trying to get them to give me the time of day but they never did. My list is as follows: Oprah, Ellen, Tyra Banks Show, Montel Williams Show, and a Dr. Keith show if I remember correctly. It was long ago but it has left a fear that runs deep.
Today it's the year 2012 and my books are now traditionally published and it's Mental Illness Awareness Month to boot. In my mind I am screaming inside to be let loose of my role and to ignore as much as possible as my doggedly determined self has to self promote with a fear that runs deep but I can't due to feelings. The interior screaming is also related to that I can empty my cup but when it fills up again it's louder than before. Last month hubby was supposed to go hunting by himself for three weeks but went on two seperate occasions for three days each time. I was ready, beyond measure to hit the ground running without hubby around without him getting jealous of the internet. Yes my hubby is jealous because he feels I spend too much time on Facebook when he's home. I have to promote my books, let people know I'm here. This is one of my jobs.
I'm grateful that it is Thursday because I have only 4 more sleeps until hubby works 5am to 3:30ish pm for 2 weeks and I can do my job although in my experience I have found that if someone represents you that you have a better chance of being given the time of day. I'm not that lucky as much as inside me I'm jumping up and down yelling at the top of my lungs saying, "I'm not self published, I'm traditionally published and representation would be the key to book sales don't you think?"
I really don't mean to offend the enormous amount of talented self published authors out there and how you have to work so much harder with the perception that indie authors have received. I have to work hard too and I am trying to get there, only 4 more sleeps.
Inside of me I ask, "Anyone want to pretend to be a promotional manager? I'd give you a percentage but I only make 30% being traditionally published." I'm not saying it aloud as I want to break these 12 inch thick chains that are attached a four foot deep cement pad. If I could only turn green lol just kidding. :D
It'll be Tuesday soon. TGIT (Thank goodness for Tuesday :D )
It is in my nature to make sure my spouse isn't ignored and well looked after. This is one of the most difficult challenges a woman faces today if I may be so bold as to state the complexities of a woman in the workforce and being in a relationship with or without children. We want to do something yet it feels like there's a ton of bricks preventing us from taking action.
I admittedly have another problem which is connected to professionalism and the phone line. If you read my book then you'll know it's because it is difficult for me to place calls.
I also have the fear of not being given the time of day by media programs. I will let you in on that secret. Back in 2006 I took a telephone seminar about how to get on TV and basically put it's all about your topics. I write about Bipolar Disorder and I have written a series unlike any facebook page that I've seen about kids who go hunting, fishing. I was unmedicated, a very typically behavioured bipolar disordered person and I emailed the TV talk shows back then 3 times trying to get them to give me the time of day but they never did. My list is as follows: Oprah, Ellen, Tyra Banks Show, Montel Williams Show, and a Dr. Keith show if I remember correctly. It was long ago but it has left a fear that runs deep.
Today it's the year 2012 and my books are now traditionally published and it's Mental Illness Awareness Month to boot. In my mind I am screaming inside to be let loose of my role and to ignore as much as possible as my doggedly determined self has to self promote with a fear that runs deep but I can't due to feelings. The interior screaming is also related to that I can empty my cup but when it fills up again it's louder than before. Last month hubby was supposed to go hunting by himself for three weeks but went on two seperate occasions for three days each time. I was ready, beyond measure to hit the ground running without hubby around without him getting jealous of the internet. Yes my hubby is jealous because he feels I spend too much time on Facebook when he's home. I have to promote my books, let people know I'm here. This is one of my jobs.
I'm grateful that it is Thursday because I have only 4 more sleeps until hubby works 5am to 3:30ish pm for 2 weeks and I can do my job although in my experience I have found that if someone represents you that you have a better chance of being given the time of day. I'm not that lucky as much as inside me I'm jumping up and down yelling at the top of my lungs saying, "I'm not self published, I'm traditionally published and representation would be the key to book sales don't you think?"
I really don't mean to offend the enormous amount of talented self published authors out there and how you have to work so much harder with the perception that indie authors have received. I have to work hard too and I am trying to get there, only 4 more sleeps.
Inside of me I ask, "Anyone want to pretend to be a promotional manager? I'd give you a percentage but I only make 30% being traditionally published." I'm not saying it aloud as I want to break these 12 inch thick chains that are attached a four foot deep cement pad. If I could only turn green lol just kidding. :D
It'll be Tuesday soon. TGIT (Thank goodness for Tuesday :D )
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