November 23, 2003

I don't like talking about the depressing things in my life and I don't like talking about how I didn't want to live anymore and how I tried to take my life to end it, to be done with this existence but here I am. I am alive going up and down in emotions everyday as I continue on existing, trying, and fighting the emotional roller coaster of emotions that terrorize my every moment.

It'll be 9 years. I just realized it today and the flood of depression overcomes me, the unwanted tears escaping from the tear ducts streaming down my face. I try so hard and maybe not as hard as some think I should be. I did try to hang myself, it didn't work. Maybe I should've tried harder, I should've let myself go except I heard screaming and I fell to the floor. Before I tried to hang myself I tried to slice my wrists but I guess I didn't try hard enough to succeed.

I sink so low when I want, I try and here I am in this dark depressive moment in my nightmarish emotions. I recently emailed The Province about my I Am Normal... If You're Bipolar and they haven't emailed me back and I sink lower into that pit of hellish thoughts. I contacted Canada AM and again no response not even a thank you for letting us know. I dive deeper, the tears fast and furious and all I want to do is no longer be here. Unfortunately I can't bring myself to death instead here I am everyday struggling.

Maybe you can't believe me or won't  believe but there are so many times in my life when I wish I was dead then I wouldn't have to do this anymore because if I could be rid of this hellish bipolar disordered life I would. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I want, I will always be this loser trying to get noticed to help change this world.

I don't know how everyone else with my affliction deals in life but here I am sinking like the Titanic as I try to make  it through another day without the terrorizing thoughts that I will always be a loser and that no one cares, no one will give me the time of day when I contact every place that I printed off. Deep down I know they won't pay attention so why do I try? I want the world to be a better place even if my personal hell isn't.