So I'm Outspoken

I am trying to create change. You may not like my approach but at least I'm trying. Seriously how else do you get noticed with very little money to spend on promotion? Oh sure you say Facebook and the pages I have well I can tell you, well funny haa haa is that if you look on my pages there aren't any likes. Nobody likes the things I post. Don't ask me why they can't push a like button or how about why if you have liked my page that you can't hit the like button? Oh I know that's because you're doing something see that's how it is. I understand how social media works. You have to be in peoples faces, saying something, being funny how else are you going to get noticed when it's a game of "I want 5000 plus the maximum number of followers possible" so I make funny comments, or when somebody is whining I'll say something. I am who I am. I'm always changing unlike the chemically balanced individuals of the world.

I'm sure the next pile of comments would be the price of my books. I'm working on the content for my website, the page will be called "It's A Book; It's A Business." At this moment I'm going to tell you that if you're thinking my prices are too high then how about I tell you that you're getting paid too much at your job and you should only make 75 cents an hour if Barnes & Noble if you are sold for $10 and some odd cents. My favourite part is that you don't get paid until you've sold $100 worth of books.

Book reviews: how I could be taken more seriously if I had more book reviews. You are absolutely correct I could be taken more seriously if I had book reviews. Ummm would you like to leave one once you've read the book and when were you going to read The  Bipolar Workshop? Yeah that's how it works although I could I mean unless I told you I created different profiles for myself and left a pile of different reviews then you would take me seriously but then I'd be pulling a trick that another author did and well as much as I want reviews I'm not going there but if you want to learn how to leave reviews I'd be more than happy to tell you.

Mental Health changes: Yes I have a list;

Residential Care Aids for Mental Illness patients who have children. Parents who have children and have Bipolar Disorder have a difficult time being the 24 hour parent. They need some help, I can't say how much or how little. It really depends on the person and it doesn't matter if they are married or single, regardless of income.

Residential Care Aids for Mental Illness patients who are episodic in nature; during times of depression and helping to maintain an evenness. If clients can't make it in to appointment for counselling then the counsellor goes to the client. Also regardless of income or marital status.

Now these Residential Care Aids will need some training in mental illness and this is where The Bipolar Workshop comes in handy because it is a reference tool. You're also supposed to write down what you learned in that chapter; embedding it into your memory.

A new Disability Tax Credit Certificate designed Specifically For Persons With Mental Illness the current form is not good enough. This tax credit certificate should be designed for those who are episodic in nature; they work usually 3 to 6 months then employment is terminated either by them or the employer. Also the persons who have worked but no longer able to function in a workplace setting for periods of time should have a disability tax credit certificate as well. There should also be a list of typical symptoms, you can use my book as a reference and find a bunch more on the internet.

Every workplace needs to use The Bipolar Workshop as the New Mental Health Handbook so that repeated exposure is stopped in the workplace. I don't work anymore and sometimes I want to work but then I'm overcome in anxiety due to repeated exposure. This book is critical in the Customer Service Industry due to the customers that are shopping in stores; let's prevent repeated exposure.

If I didn't tell you about the things that need to be changed how would you know? It's not like others who have what I have realize or publicly acknowledge their condition and still want to make the world a better place even living in 93% Social Isolation due to the world and how it is.

Just wondering, what are you doing to make this world a better place?

While You Look Down I'm Trying to Get Up

Where am I? I am lost unfound beneath the sands of time wondering if I can do this or not. Feeling up one day down the next. Motivated one moment gone the next. Wanting more than anything to create change to feeling like I'm never going to be.

Where am I? I am here in this hole wondering am I ever going to be abnormal because the normalcy I'm experiencing isn't conducive to my mental health. lol at that eh?

Where am I? In some sadness being told I'm personality disordered but of course the observation was only made in passing. For goodness sakes. Who does that? I'm now relooking at my whole self wondering what the heck and where am I? Should I be saying I'm sorry for being nice maybe too nice but if one thought about it realistically it is only because I treat people the way I want to be? Oh sure I have up days, down days, sideways, vertical, horizontal heck I don't know if I'm coming or going. Is it wrong to be nice? I want people to be nice to me so why shouldn't I be nice first or at least help those who are trying too?

Apparently most persons with my condition work at a 75% capacity. It feels like 25% to me but most of it is environmental, and relationship related. So when the 75% is supposed to be working it only gets part of the kitchen clean or one section of carpet clean, it takes forever to sweep and mop a floor. I am lost I don't know where I am. I am here but where am I really?

I do not pretend to be an author who has sold millions of books or seems to be doing financially well because I have 4 books available. Seriously I have the education to create a book cover and format a manuscript into a book so I don't have to pay for those services. Sure my hubby works, has a good job and we live well but the thing is that it's our "survival money" and the income I receive is nothing in comparison and some days I try and some days I'm not here.

I don't know where I am. If you find me let me know cuz I'm missing me.

A Case In Point

I'm sure there are quite a few out there who think I'm callous, have no heart, etc etc etc because of how you perceive my words. What a majority forget is that you haven't been here with me during these years of mine that have accumulated repeated exposure situations, some turned to what may seem ridiculous anxieties so the level of perception is skewed; the immediate thought that comes from the subconscious mind is that this is the first time I am encountering a situation or problem because this is the first time you're reading about it.

The great thing about having 5 years, that's right 5 years of counselling, reading The Road Less Travelled, Embracing Ourselves, Men are From Mars Women are From Venus, Touched With Fire; The Manic Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament, Peripheral Visions and The Power of Full Engagement is that I have a great understanding of things which is one of the reasons why I look forward to being 40; I might be taken more seriously.

I do understand where your perception is coming from otherwise even you wouldn't know what is going on other than, "hey that chick seems mean/harsh etc etc I'm not sure if I should be friends with her" then you unfriend me. Ok that's your choice but it's because of your perception that deems me to be wrong when you're missing "the years prior".

I would like to think that I have a great ability which is the ability to "empty the cup". Emptying the cup is available to those who are cyclothematic. This means that a situation can keep occurring for a certain time period (mine's usually 6 months) then the counselling cognitive therapy kicks in; see the problem, come up with solutions to the problem, action is taken. Now in the case of my mother in law; I have been saying for the last 4 years that she needed a residential care aid. I was deemed the cow etc etc etc but the reality is that she lives alone and if she falls with no phone on her person she is stuck there until she can move. She is over weight and 2 years ago she rolled her ankle, ended up in a nonwalking cast and refused any residential care aid help back then. So now you know that it is all her that is denying herself help that is free because I looked up residential care aid programs and it's free for low income seniors such as herself.

I have to say that I'm glad she isn't my mother because she'd hate me more than she does now. She would not have a choice about whether or not she has a residential care aid to check on her, take her shopping, smell the roses in the park, sit for hours at the hospital to do blood tests and it would be free and I would not have to worry about her well being anymore. I would be able to relax and visit with her but not under the strain of what my hubby is doing now in his passive aggressive non creator of change ways. In my years I have noticed that both my hubby and his mother have Oppositional Defiance Disorder this means that if you tell/suggest to them that using a circle as a wheel is far more conducive than using the square one they will find a bigger square wheel and use that. Ok that was extreme but I am Bipolar after all and I have to be funny. Don't hate me for saying it, you don't know the woman. Be grateful and empathetic in her disordered self function that you don't have to worry about her every day even though she is how she is.

The next case is with this appearing to be a stray pregnant cat and I've been discussing my emotion on FB. You think I'm mean etc etc etc. I say I'd like to kick the person who appears to have abandoned this animal; I never  said where I was going to kick them, gosh it could be in the foot because stubbing a toe hurts far longer and seems to be more painful. I am angry with the owners of this place because they lived here and if that cat was here then why didn't they deal with it? They have been living here for 10 years at least. Yes I am angry at the neighbours for not dealing with this.

Now this is the part where you get to learn about having "the more sticks in the fire the more likely one will catch fire" technique. I fb'd the owner about the problem at about 6am (no response from them and I unfriended them this evening), I fb'd the local radio station wall, i liked the SPCA fb wall and asked if there was one in 100 Mile House. I got the number, the email address, called the number, got grumpy about the rude voicemail message didn't leave a message, emailed the request, it came back, went back to the SPCA wall did the follow up, they responded with a link and the name of the person in charge in this town, I clicked on the link, called the SPCA number to talk to the Drive for Lives program but due to the rude voicemail message I encountered and the person didn't want to hear all the steps I've all ready taken just to find her I hung up. I liked Women for Premier Christy Clark fb page where I asked her to provide monies for a permanent SPCA shelter with monies to pay employees to work with the Drive For Lives program which incidentally was not on the voicemail message. I re-emailed the same request but it went through this time, I could have misspelled it but it went through. Oh and I advised that the "shelter" here needs some lessons in service because the message is very unprofessional but welcome to 100 Mile House and my unfortunate passion levels about business conduct that got sealed from watching Donald Trump's Apprentice except mine are more because of the range of emotion that I try to keep contained while consistently taking my medication.

I want you to think about this; if I go to this length to give a cat a home without getting "blood of death on my hands" imagine what I can do if given the opportunity to defend the US Constitution right to bear arms? I, Bipolarly confidently tell you that if I got to talk to the President of the US that you'd still have that right but there will be changes but not like the pendulum clock the President and all his members are being like. I will invoke change in the senior citizen residential care program I declare it to be so. Why? *Smiles large* I like Women for Premier Christy Clark fb page and if I write I know she'll see to it. Why will she? Because I said something, unlike the majority of the world who doesn't do anything to create positive change.

Then again maybe I've had too many years of counselling which is why I solve problems the way I do. mmmm? This "passion" is like a fire inside of me waiting to be unleashed in creating change which explains why my website is tlctouchedwithfire.wordpress.com; touched with fire also means bipolar disorder as well. yeah yeah lol I'm always thinking about having to explain the minutest detail so that you may understand it and I don't have to repeat it 3 times because that's how many times it takes for some who are mildly affected by Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Seriously it does, I read it in a book, a psychology textbook.

The Importance of Being Able To See

With the recent bout of events that seems to be sweeping the nation of chemically imbalanced individuals with vengeance on their mind from repeated exposure that has altered their perception out murdering people, it is so important that being able to see beyond the result of the situation.

Recently an event occurred in my house and it's not a positive but it is a result of what happens when a situation/problem/issue keeps occurring. What started 4 years ago where I saw that somebody needed a residential care aid because they'd been looked after for 25 years. Of course they rebelled, rebuked, and turned their wide eyes into slits and the wickedness of perception and time started its clock.

The repeated exposure occurred when a phone call was made, the issue was presented, my thoughts/opinions were expressed, and the anger builds. Phone calls that were placed by the needy for purposes to gain empathy resulting in my thoughts and opinions building inside. The phone calls placed saying they needed to go somewhere requiring a driver and the requiring of items that did not warrant the driving 52 round kms that didn't even come close to the cost of fuel used to deliver such items. The amount of phone calls placed crying out for help claiming themselves to be stupid then my emotions are building inside saying, "She needs a residential care aid. She has PTSD, Dementia, Mental Illness of some kind, and is a WW2 victim. She has arthritis, is hypoglycaemic, has very little to no friends...."

This is where his emotions are building as well because this is mother, the one who brought him into this world, the one who helped provide him the needs of a child growing. He sees that there is nothing wrong with her because she's always been like that and the lines of thinking was a slow methodical process of altering.  His anger builds, and resentment starts in which results in lashing out verbally and physical. The verbal lashing out is a normal cycle of feelings whereas the physical is not. There was no black and blue all over just enough to have created a rift between.

Most say run, get away. I agree because it is in most cases this can/will/could escalate. I forgive him because I understand why it happened; his anger was beyond control because of the repeated exposure. I have to forget the situation occurred, take responsibility for my part which is perceived as being the evil bitch from hell when it is out of being able to see what needs to be done and the reality regardless of what they think is that we wouldn't be fighting about the situation if I didn't care about the well being of his mother instead I'm just the bitch who signed a piece paper saying that I won't saying anything in regards to his mother for one month.

Would you like to know what he's doing to try? Well, he never signed a piece of paper saying that he'd try to be happy because that's what I asked for instead he goes off at the drop of a hat over every little thing as I sit in the land of insecurity trying to make it work because I understand, I forgive, and I'm willing to keep trying. It is not a perfect relationship but there is no such thing.

If I didn't tell you about this experience you wouldn't be able to see the importance of reading The Bipolar Workshop when it comes available because it has helped me see and it will help the world get their emotional range under control.

This morning I said that I didn't have a problem with him taking the jeep to work. I don't need to go anywhere today except he went out the door 45 mins early to it and he never packed a lunch, nor coffee and isn't answering his cell phone. I fear that he sees it as a subject matter in regards to his mother but the reality is that I don't have a problem with him taking the jeep to work it's cheaper on gas. And yes I do have a problem with him taking my jeep/my independence/my ability to go somewhere on his day off when he needs to attend to all the things his mother does because when he takes I'm the one stuck at home while her car sits in her driveway as she claims poverty that she can't afford to insure her car. (reason: she gives him money to do her tasks taking away from her income. She is low income and qualifies for a residential care aid with little to minimal expense per month and I'm pretty sure it's no cost.) But again welcome to being able to see. Will you come join me when The Bipolar Workshop is available so we can see together?

This Is My World

I'd like your attention please. I do not like it when my generous nature is taken advantage of. I don't like it when people I meet "shadow" themselves out to be a good person, down on their luck etc etc pity pot story when I be kind and helpful.

I take great offence to my friends being harassed by someone that made friends with me when their lies come shining through or they're looking for other free help/take advantage of others.

I don't like being hit on. Regardless of what you think and the rest of the world thinks I should be, the reality is that I AM MARRIED! Do not try to have sexual conversations with me that's offensive, AND COMPLETELY RUDE, AND DON'T TELL ME THAT I SHOULD SLEEP WITH YOU TO COMPENSATE ME FOR MY ACTS OF KINDNESS. YOU ARE DISGUSTING!

If you can't respect me like I respect you get off my friends list I don't need you. I don't need my husband freaking out because some dumb disrespectful shithead (I'm really angry) writes idiocy in messages. I do not log off my computer every night so therefore my husband can go into my account and see what's going on in my world that he's extremely jealous of. By doing this disgusting act you're making my life impossible. I have enough problems I don't need more.

Don't make fun of the value I place on friendship. Are you jealous that I know the value of friendship and let you know that I am grateful for my friends? I am not grateful for pyschos that come into my life so if you are ya can keep out or get out, which ever one is quicker.

Friends who claim they are friends when in fact it's all about you being on their team: take a hike I am sick and tired of being the one to give, give, give, show care and concern, and all you do is act like a sponge; oh I'll take that and then turn around and question my loyalty. I have proven myself loyal so where's your loyalty? It isn't with with me that's for sure because if you were in my shoes and asking for help I'd be there like a dirty shirt, I'd be inviting all of my friends to your event because I am on your team. Don't lie to me that's not nice. If you want something from me well you know how kind, generous and loving I am so don't take advantage of that because the world isn't all about you and what everyone is going to do for you.

I don't expect anything from my friends but they show their trueness in actions and I know who the good ones are and I'm still figuring out the jerks/users what ever you want to call them. If you're one of the jerks could you just unfriend me because well I don't have it in my complete soul to be unfriending people (only when pushed too far). So if you can make it easy on the both of us and either smarten up or leave me alone.

It's really simple: be nice to me, don't lie to me, don't take advantage of me and I'll keep wearing my rose colored glasses.

Am I Unreasonable?

I'm having a hard time yet again with things going on around me that even trying to find humor in it doesn't help it just makes me angry and I ask myself all the time, "Am I being unreasonable?"

You see when you have the mental illness DNA and you've had your traumatic experiences your feelings to subject matter increases. It doesn't matter if it's anger or happiness; every level increases. When it keeps happening and happening the build of emotion becomes almost explosive and has shown itself in others to be explosive.

I can see how easily I could take action if I couldn't contain myself as I watch movie like images in my head. I can stare out the window and not be looking at it, I'm watching a movie in my head. It could be a real movie that I own or it could be a movie of the deepest desire good or bad. I am contained, bursting at the seams, screaming inside saying, "WHY CAN'T HE SEE WHAT IS GOING ON???"

The backlog story is that my hubbys' dad passed away in 2009 and he did everything for hubby's mom; he cooked, he cleaned, he went to the post office, he went shopping, he drove the car, he well you get the picture. Hubbys' mom has arthritis, overweight, hypogycelmic, PSTD, and I know she has Dementia. When his dad passed on I expressed that she should have someone there but oh no I was a moo moo cow. I've expressed so much that I'm a flat out bitch with no soul, no compassion, blah blah blah. or so I'm being told.
Hubby was her beckon call boy. Later that year his mother rolled her ankle at the grocery store and they put her in a non walking cast. Yes a non walking cast onto an individual that resides 24 hours a day at home and has no friends due to her sour disposition. (hubby gets his attitude problem from her). I had to pick her up from the hospital where the nurse told me that his mother didn't eat all day yet when I asked her about it she said she did eat something. You should have seen the look on her face when I said we'd have to get her a home support worker. Oh my goodness how dare I say such words because her son is going to look after her when he works 5/6 days a week. And he did every 2 days he was up there while I was stranded at home without any vehicle to drive. This occured for 6 months until I had to take a vacation which ended up getting me stranded but everyday i was gone hubby was up at her house looking after her.

I'm not resentful but it's like give the guy a flipping break. get yourself some help. He has a job and a girlfriend that he is trying to maintain a relationship with. I don't ask him to do things because he works so much.

As of late hubby doesn't do anything I ask which pisses me off beyond although I think all women would be if their spouses didn't do as they were asked. He has taken his mothers car off the road "to save her money" while he wants to drive about a 60km round trip to her house and town and back to her house then back to his residence in MY JEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So here I am going to be stranded yet again! I'm the bitch, the one without a soul or compassion. You remembered that when you have my feelings right? Are you unreasonable in your feelings? It's a major battle of no and yes at the same time.

We had a huge fight about the jeep and how he said that it's easier for her to get out of the jeep instead of his truck and I said it was easier for her to get out of her car. I now have the jeep in the yard as he as we speak is up at his mommy's house being her beckon  call boy.

In December she bought him a cellphone because she called the house one day as he was not home yet I answered the phone where I found out he took my jeep, drove up to her place, drove down town and did what ever the blue blazes she wanted or needed to do. Her phone call was that she thinks she dropped her necklace in the jeep when he took her down town hee hee. She laughed just like that! It's like what the fluffin flee hee haa is that supposed to mean? He's your son for crying out loud? what are you insinuating? am i supposed to look in the back seat like your dementiated brain seems to be infering that you've slept with him? i mean seriously if you watch any movie that contains adultery there's the sign of a piece of jewellery left behind indicating unfaithfulness. for crying out loud am I being unreasonable?????

Yesterday she snuck a call in that she needed some meat from town and he was supposed to bring it to her. what the giggley popldideechoopee?????? She can't walk to the store that less than 500 meters from her residence and she wants him to drive a 60km  round trip to bring her some meat although I know that her freezer is full to the top because she's a hoarder that grew up in Europe stealing potatoes from the farmers during the Nazi war. I've been to her place and seen her disgusting selfishness all over the place. 50 pairs of dress shoes still in the box only tried on at the store. I counted every one of those suckers. UNBELIEVABLE. yet the children barely had food on the table.

So am I being unreasonable? I still don't know but deep down I know it's the build up emotions from a bunch of experiences with her that I have left out because well I just want to make the point that if I didn't contain myself the video that plays in my brain is me shoving my thumb in her eye with fierce  intensity and I black out, the video stops and it plays me strangling her around her throat, and I black out, it plays again, me grabbing her by the scruff of her neck and tossing her ass outside for the world to see as she cringes from natural sunlight. Maybe I should write a horror novel?? You know just to get the feelings out instead of taking action.